by Virag Gulyas
You know that little something at the middle-left-down corner of your chest? Yes, that one! The one that is beating for the rhythm of an unpublished melody. The melody of your life. It beats as your melody goes piano or forte, sometimes staccato and sometimes legato.
But sometimes it just beats on it own mood. You wake up, have your coffee, the Sun is shining. You feel good. At least this is what you think. Yet, something feels strange. Then you feel as if your heart moved somewhere else in your body. As if it moved up to your temples, both sides. Then it moved to your eye-lid. And every time you blink you hear a tatam-tatam in your ears. Then it decides to visit the other parts of your body. Usually it starts with your stomach, where the rhythmic melody creates a knot. A nicely, sharply shaped knot, which joins your temples, eyes and ears to say tatam-tatam. (and if you are skinny enough, you can even see how that little knot tries to leave your body and makes you wonder if it beats strong enough it could really tear your skin apart…). When the knot project is settled, then your heart that decides to walk around further; it arrives to your veins by your wrists and ankles; as if your heart would dance a dynamic jive with your blood cells.
This is the moment you go to your medical corner take the blood pressure machine and place it nicely on your upper arm. Nicely, just as your doctor brother taught you. You press start and wait. Meanwhile, you feel as you, yourself, would become the HEART itself. All your body parts, cells and atoms are singing and dancing the tatam-tatam theme party.
The machine stops; nature and technology meets: your heart rate is 105. (well, since you are a responsible human being, you know that it should be around 55….after a coffee).
‘But I am not even nervous!’ – you say to yourself out loud.
Yes, you might be not, but your body, your cells, your atoms seems to disagree.
‘But I bet nobody else has this, jus out of the blue?! Why do I have this?’ – you spit on yourself.
Yes, they might not, but they might have something else.
The truth is, you never know nobody fully.. (and most of the time you do not even care enough)
If you have a busy day, you would most probably take a xanax, smoke a cigarette and rush into the work: ‘I am too busy, I do not care, my body can go back where it comes from’ – says your mind.
But this time, you are not running nowhere, you are not busy. You have no meetings, no projects, no trains to catch. On top, you are all alone. What do you do then? Take a xanax, smoke a cigarette and rush into something to occupy yourself? Yeah, this is the easy part.
But, what if once, you would choose the more difficult path?! ‘Which one?’ – you ask innocently.
I tell you which: the one, where you switch of all noises (including your phone) and sit down on a pillow. Close your eyes, and start observing this feral discotheque what your body created. You just sit and observe. No, it is not going to go away immediately. It will even get worse for a while. Mainly because you get afraid of this whole new self-investigation. But just keep on breathing and feel the tatam-tatam. And instead of the fear let curiosity take over. ‘What does my body trying to tell me?‘
Since you ask the question with your mind, your mind will feel obliged to respond, quickly and firmly: ‘Oh, it is because, you are too stressed, because your mother told you something you did not like’.. You can accept this and stop here. After all, you have reach the more difficult level already; one step above the take a pill to relax.
But if you are able, willing, and ready: put a mirror to yourself and sit a bit more on your pillow, let your ego drop its role and let the thoughts come and go without judging them. Let your mind can go quite. When you reach this stage, your body (or name it properly, unconscious mind) will start her/his talk. And this talk is far more interesting than any other discussions.
It is a long, exciting but somewhat scary journey. You will start facing with your own limitations, fears, boundaries, life-templates, inherited behaviors, patterns from your parents, your self-pictruing according to other’s judgment.
But slowly, your heart (which was just getting drunk in the wild party) starts to get sober again. And you will feel how it stops the tatam-tatam in your wrists, ankles, let the knot ease, your ears, eyes and templets go back to their original functions and your heart slowly, but surely find its place back, where it belongs to. Your heart finally returns home…
‘If you have no ups and downs in your life, it means you are dead!’ – this is one big truth. The other is that nobody would ever see on you that you are dancing a jive with your heart on 105 speed (crossing the legal 55 speed limit)
And nobody sees many other ‘dances’ and ‘melodies’ on you.
We just go on with our own life. With our own ‘dances’ and ‘melodies’.
If you are lucky enough, you have ONE Person beside you, who can watch your dance and sometimes ask you to dance with him/her (but maybe not jive rather a slow dance);
Yet, the battle is yours. The choice between the paths is yours.
But I have a good news: THE RESULT WILL BE ALSO YOURS!
…and that is why you wake up each day: to make your choice!