No, please do not think that I am anti-St. Nicholas or anti-Hanuka or anti-Christmas.
I am not even against all the Christmas decorations and carols at the beginning of November. Nay!
As you know already, I am too sentimental not to like all these!
Yet, this year made me think:
As of 1st December, do we just put down our pens (or rather laptop) and cede to exist?
As of 1st December, do we just start shopping, start eating (clearly, just to stretch the capacity of our stomach for the 23rd) and start drinking hot wine?
As of 1st December, do we just stop trying new things out, stop looking for new hobbies, give up all our dreams and postpone them until next year January?
(Well, it would definitely unfold the secret of all those lengthy New Year’s Resolutions!)
I think you still do not really see where I am heading to, right?!
So just trust me: apparently in 2013, we can just cancel December as a functioning month since NOTHING happens! So, please stop what you are doing now and restart in January 2014!
Let me explain:
Life brought me (or I did?) into a situation that at the moment I have more free time than I had during my childhood. As scary it sounded and felt a few weeks ago, as excited it turned out to be by today.
I never had days off – literally; just to be with myself, do what I like, or to figure out what I like. So when the time arrived for all this: there was I, standing like a frozen doll with a mouth dropped and teary eyes. Stood there, by the entrance door, seeing my other half running to his office, nicely dressed, full agenda.
He left and I was there. For minutes sitting on the sofa and trying to make some order. In my mind of course.
‘So what now?’ …
But what happened between the first shock and today is an other story!
Let it be enough now that since mid-November, somewhere parallel to the first Christmas decorations, I started to seek for my own decorations but not for the tree rather for my soul. I started to seek for ‘what I like’ to be able to draw up a list of ‘things I like to do’. Sounded useful after all these years of not having such a list.
I planned to re-decorate my heart until Christmas, re-lit the lights in me again, re-color my views again and give presents for my soul again.
This was the plan. And again, the well-known, well-applied truth came to play: ‘People plan, God laughs.’
This time: BIG TIME!
The aimed decorations, lights and presents would have been courses, trainings, new discoveries.
All in all, I established 5 different new ‘pavements’ to decorate myself: F. study, H. study, P. study, J. study, an other P. study, and as last resort a drawing study (well, this sounded the most useful, taking into consideration that to draw a snowman gives me impractical challenges).
Well, I have to tell you, it is really not easy to find new ‘pavements’, especially after your own Transformation, which leaves yourself alone with a stranger: a new yourself.
But, as diligent pupil, the big self-provocation was done and I was ready for getting to know my new-self.
Me, as the person, was planning everything so well from A-Z; but somewhere, He, as God, was laughing so heart-fully.
To give you the tangible reality here: out of 55 courses that were advertised for December, I registered for 10 (two for each pavements, just to make sure). Out of the 10 courses ALL were canceled 2 days prior to the event! Let me repeat: ALL were cancelled! (the last just 2 minutes ago for tomorrow)
‘Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements’ – says Adele, and I truly trying to find out which month this song was written?!
So here I am AGAIN, standing like a frozen doll with a mouth dropped and teary eyes. Standing here, by the entrance door…NO!
I am not standing like a frozen doll anymore, especially not with a mouth dropped and teary eyes…rather: I have decided to give God a company and laugh with him heart-fully, loudly, honestly.
This whole mass cannot prove better the one simple rule of life: let yourself flow with it…
You can plan, you can resist, you can decide that ‘Yes, this will be good for me, I want this and I want it now’. But, please: accept that sometimes you have just no idea what will really be good for you!
You see? I am back to the Invisible Hand again…
Do I trust it this time? I think so.
Why? Because I have two options:
- To sit down and cry and break down that NONE of my plans worked out and I am just wasting my days offs ( a reaction we would usually do, right?)
- To sit down and laugh and laugh and laugh that GOD found me this important: Yes, he did! He chose me to entertain him with my plans, while he knew from the first thought that NONE of them is for me! Or at least, not now, not like this.
I guess, for a change, I will opt for the second option. Yes, I am confident about this choice! Hello there NEW-SELF!
p.s. it does not mean that I would step back from proposing canceling December as a functioning month. It could be just the month of days-offs!