When is the time when you make your own Christmas for the very first time?
I know it might sound weird, since Christmas is about family gathering, meeting your long-not-seen cousins, visiting your close friends. Christmas is about sharing not owning!
So officially, there is no such thing as Christmas by yourself, or Christmas made by you. (you think…)
But what if there is?
What if once you find yourself buying your own Christmas tree for the very first time, trying to seek for tree decorations in a city, which is not your home, trying to find the ingredients for the Christmas dinner in a language you don’t understand?
For the very first time you take responsibility for Christmas in a foreign place, you call home now.
You continuously try to recall how your Mum would do it, how would she make everything just perfect. How will everything turn to be that familiar, sweet picture in your mind. But then you stop for a second: and you also recall how your Mum looked so anxious, tired and exhausted by Christmas night. You never really understood why. Why is she almost at the edge of not enjoying Christmas Eve, when everything is just so beautiful and everything is just so perfect?!
Then now, finally, after 28 years, you understand: This is exactly why! She aimed for PERFECT!
But what is perfect?
I recently read a little thought on the perfect Christmas: it said ‘you will not have an intimate Christmas by cleaning curtains, cleaning rooms, wrapping presents, while nervously thinking whether the food had overcooked; but by being together, laughing together, sharing moments together’.
I cannot say I fully agree. After all, who wishes to celebrate in dust, dirt and disorder. Cleaning your home is the best therapy to clean yourself and prepare for celebration, too. Just imagine the water-stones in your bathrooms, as the heavy stones you carry from your past. Or the dust on your wardrobe as the negative thoughts that hides you from seeing the beauty.
But few hours later I did get the sense of this little article; and that is where I stopped. In the middle of the supermarket. I felt anxious, tired and exhausted. I wanted all to be perfect, just like my Mum!
I am not one of those persons for whom Christmas was always magical and beautiful. Regardless of aiming for the PERFECT all the time.
There were happy and sad Christmases in my life. There were rich and poor Christmases in my life. There were Christmases when I laughed and Christmases when I cried. There were Christmases when everything was clean but we weren’t…
Yet, one feature was always always given: we spent it TOGETHER! We, my small, little, magical but imperfect Family.
I had no responsibility – besides cleaning my own room, and back then I only cleaned the surface… I did not clean myself…
I sat in the ready made magic.
This year, I needed to grow up. I have to take responsibility…but it is difficult. The trees are different, the decorations are different, the smells are different. Childhood left from the room. No memories around, no ‘do you remember when we were….’ discoveries.
You have a flat, you have room, where you put your head on the pillow for 3 years now. But just by this, it does not turn to be HOME.
So how do you make a HOME?
How do you make HOME for CHRISTMAS?
Exciting and painfull.
Nice and sad.
Weird and normal.
Past vs. Present.
Old vs. New.
Child vs. Adult.
I am living alone for quite a while. I am living far from my family for quite a long.
I always enjoyed, survived. Nothing really challenged me in this respect.
But I never faced with the responsibility of making by own Christmas….
Am I ready for this?
When are we ready to spend Christmas not HOME?
When are we ready to create our HOME? Our Christmas?
(you may answer, once you have your own family. Maybe, but what if you are not there yet? Can you still be ready for this?)
But whatever you think or believe, sometimes, you just MUST BE! You just need to be ready!
So here we are. One day before Christmas, which I am going to spend in my new HOME, with my other-half, who has no sweet memories of Christmas – because he has sweet memories of Hanukah – , but makes everything possible to create my own Christmas PERFECT.
Does it feel strange? Yes.
Do I miss my child-room? Yes.
Do I miss my Mum’s tree, decoration, food? Yes.
Yet, there comes a time, when you have to make your own Christmas for the very first time…
And I still aim for perfection but finding my own way, while creating my own home.
Clean flat and intimacy hand in hand. I will aim for laugh, happiness and joy.
And next year this time, my other-half will have his first memories with Christmas, and we will have our already tried decorations brought up from basement, we will have our fixed place for the tree and we will have our OWN way of Christmas Eve.