And the rain is just pouring endlessly. For the third day I am observing the world only from inside. Nothing that would ask me to go out. Nowhere to run. No one to meet. No errands to fulfill. Just calmness. Just quietness. Just emptiness.
I love rain, I always did. It comes and cleans the city; such as your tears come and clean YOU.
Perhaps in the city I live, there are too much of both, and sometimes I would opt for some shiny, warm, cuddly sunshine –
I love sunshine also, I always did. It comes and lights up the city, such as your Love comes and lights YOU up.
Perhaps at this time of the year I would opt for some white, heavy, tender snow –
I love snow also, I always did. It comes and quiets the city; such as your midnight sleeps come and quite YOU.
As I say I love rain, yet during the last few days I caught myself complaining (but by today, complaining differently) that there shouldn’t be rain now but I wish for snow. As I say, I love sunshine too, yet a few days ago when it came to lighten us up, I caught myself complaining (but by today, complaining differently) that there shouldn’t be sunshine now but I wish for snow.
What is wrong with me? If I want to personalize this problem.
But I still believe it is more correct to ask: what is wrong with us?
Why do we always want something else? Why do we always need what we don’t have? Why do we always want to be somewhere else, do something else, or be with someone else? Why do we always want to look somehow else?
When I was thinking what name to give to my blog it took me 2 seconds to find what fitted most to my ideas. I named it as the Grass is always greener on the other side ?! – aka GIAGOTOS. Le me draw you attention to the question mark, which serves a purpose.
Wherever life brought me until today, I became the center of attention, a center of jealousy (yet I never really understood the reasons…). And no, I am not some boastful, high-minded Ms. here, but I learnt to be able to say things about myself. It took me a long way, and by now I can tell you: If it bothers you, it is not my problem.
There is this huge hypocrisy in our society that – if you are not aware – traps you easily to a life of pessimism, negativity, complaining, jealousy and hatred. This society does not allow you to say: wow, I am really good at this! / wow, I really look beautiful today. / wow, I am good person. Try to say it out loud in a group of people and you stigmatized yourself for long!
But, it’s not only that you are not allowed to say it about yourself, but you would choke if you would tell it to somebody else.
And please, be honest(!): how many times you tell to your friend: wow, you are really good at this, Or to your work colleagues: wow, you look very nice today. Or just to a stranger in the shop: wow, your dress is beautiful. And I am sorry, but I need to highlight here that I am not talking about compulsory sentences wrapped by a fake smile, but an honest gesture towards somebody else.
Not a criticism behind his back but an honest appreciation to his eyes!
But I don’t blame you! We grow up badly. We grow up in competition, jealousy, and today, with social media. We all want to succeed, we all want to be perfect. We all want to be, where the Grass is always greener …. Yet, we look into the mirror and hate ourselves, we do something and we blame ourselves. We want to be somebody else. So we look at others and we admire them, because the way they look, where they study, where they work, where they go for a holiday, for their friends, for their boy/girlfriends etc. And slowly, our admiration transforms into jealousy. A jealousy that would stop us from telling her face to face: you look amazing!
So instead we start – consciously or unconsciously – seeking for something bad about each other. Allowing us to pity or gossip the other around.
This is when I always say: stepping on me will not bring you higher on your ladder!
I might generalize here but I think you see the big picture: We are all full of frustration and until you don’t face with yours, you stay in your own trap.
It took me a painful 2 years to go very deep into myself, bring up hidden boxes, open them, face with them and make the first steps to place them where they belong.
I am not saying I am peaceful with everything or can accept everything. But by now I know with a great confidence that each of us has his own cross to carry (and this is not just something your grandparents tell you as their advice for life). There is something in each of us to be jealous of, while there is something in each of us to be merciful for.
I have no problem anymore to tell my friend, colleagues, or strangers that they look good, if actually they do. I do not feel less by accepting their greatness. Quite the contrary, it feels great to see in their eyes – even if for that second – some shininess.
I rather have problem with the other side – and to show you the level some of us can reach in this trap, I give you some real examples: someone in my ex-office tells me not to eat so much in front of her because he hates that I am skinny, they delete documents allowing me not to succeed (the job I was assigned o was hers before), or how can you always walk on high-heels, I think its awful, or when they welcome you saying, are you alright, you look pretty tired today….and the list goes on.
Am I mad at them? No, not anymore. Do they hurt me? Yes, sometimes.
You might ask, how can they hurt me if I am OK with who I am and I am confident enough…. Well, they don’t hurt me with their actual saying but rather with the fact: I know they are JEALOUS and FRUSTRATED. I know they are in their own loop, they hate themselves (yet pretending the opposite), so they rather hate me, you, or any of us as well, just to try to feel better. Remember, when in high-school everybody is pushing you to smoke, and if you don’t want they make fun of you until you break. Why? Just to relief themselves…. It is the same.
Why am I writing about this now?
Because I am ready now.
I know I had to go through all the things in my life to be the person, who I am today:
- One, who is able to smile at herself when she is asking for snow when actually she likes the rain also.
- One, who is getting better at accepting things how they are.
- One, who is able to face and admit her limitations, and say out loud her goodness.
- One, who is able to smile at you honestly and praise you and feel good about it.
- One, who knows if you are criticizing me you are actually hurting yourself till your veins.
- One, who smiles at you of you are jealous on me, because I know if I would give you one of my day, you would be unable to cope with it.
- One, who stopped wishing to be somebody else.
- One, who knows for sure that there is no such thing as the Grass is always greener on the other side!
And the rain is just pouring endlessly…
And I am just happy to be who I am, where I am, who I am with…I am just happy to take care of my own garden, while congratulate for yours.
I wish you to find your garden as well…