Sometime words just cannot formulate. They are in you, yet once you take your pen and the provoking white paper, all your nicely organized lines of words disappear as if they would have never been there on the first place.
This can be generated by many things: not being ready to face with your words, those moments when you lack confidence or as for me, simply, when things MUST BE done.
‘MUST BE done’blocks me from up to toe.
It wasn’t always like this. As a kid, growing up within strict rules as a ballet student I did not do anything else just MUST BE done things. That was normal, that was life, that was the guideline.
During the last couple of years, having fulfilled all the MUST BE done things that society, family, or myself laid down in front of me, I started to feel this tension in my body whenever somebody told me: it MUST BE done.
I started to feel anxious about it; Why should I do that? Who is he telling me it MUST BE done? Why is society or my family telling me it MUST BE done? According to whom is it a MUST BE done things in my life?
I slowly realized I cannot take anymore. Rules, expectations, MUST BE done things, obligations.
You might say, all this should come in teenager-hood, when you play with your boundaries as an innocent rebellion. Yes, one form of uprising against the World comes at that age. As for me, it never really arrived.
I was a diligent, hard-worker kid. I fulfilled all expectations.
But (!) I was never a floating, stepping on the pre-drawn way, saying yes or nodding to everything kind of girl. I had strong beliefs, strong values – I was the type, who wanted to change the world (from the moment she started to talk), wanted to change the system, wherever she entered. I fought against inequity, oppressions or unfairness (as per my views) in any forms from the day I entered to SOCIETY. This was my rebellion feature. Not to be able to be the SAME.
Thinking back, it was not a fully conscious behavior and by today, I start to see the reasons for this kind of ME. I was against the SYSTEMS, yet I was able to execute the MUST BE done requests.
What I am writing about today, though, is a different kind of rebel ME.
I am more quiet – (well, I am sure some of you would disagree on this one). I am more thoughtful. I am a better listener. I attempt to be more accepting, more adapting. I am more….and more…
This whole accepting the SYSTEM challenge doesn’t derive from the fact that I would be some rigid, hard-minded, inflexible creature, but rather from all the things I have seen, learnt and went through along my way. Yet I was still able to execute the MUST BE done requests.
Not anymore, or at least not in a form you would all expect from me.
And of course, there are plenty of must be done(s) everyday, pay the bills, go to the supermarket etc. So I am not showing here the initial form of nihilism or anarchy.
But with quitting dancing after 14 years of professional hazards, then quickly earning a second degree to secure my life; I arrived to the point that nothing is MUST BE done anymore. I am not willing to take on any further rules, terms, conditions that would restrict my sense of freedom. I mean it rather mentally, then physically.
We all have fulfilled tremendous amount of MUST BE done things ever since we took our first breath; and evidently, there will be many more in front of us that could be labelled as MBD. However, once you reached the limit of ENOUGH in you life, and you consciously start awakening, there comes a difference. From that point on, you can relabel all the MUST BE done(s) as I CHOSE TO do(s).
I am not telling you to behave selfishly, or from today stop doing anything you are asked. No, nothing like this. Actually, I am not telling you anything more than my own story.
And my story shows today a change. This time a conscious change stating: I am not here to fulfill all sort of MUST BE done projects in life – I simply cannot, I freeze, I cannot move.
Yet, I am able and willing to fulfill all sort of projects in life because I CHOSE TO do so.
And this a big difference.
This easy relabeling gives me such a relief, such a freedom that I have never experienced before.
Why did I tell you this now?
Because we just passed New Years Eve; a day, which is filled with MUST BE done projects (you MUST think over your past year, you MUST make new resolutions, you MUST read all the good advice articles and quotes, you MUST go and have fun, you must, you must, you must….) and I realized, I just cannot do them. I freeze from up to toe.
…I wanted to write for you, for me. But I felt I would do it only, because I MUST DO it.
So, the words just couldn’t formulate. They were in me, yet once I took my pen and the provoking white paper, all my nicely organized lines of words disappear as if they would have never been there on the first place…
As a result, instead of joining the endless queue of MUST BE done(s), once again, I went ‘against’ the SYSTEM – and I CHOSE TO be quite, I CHOSE TO be me.
Wishing you all Happy New Year with this lines of thoughts that are shaping my journey as we transfer from 2013 to 2014…