There are times when you feel that nothing seem to fit in the picture, when you feel you have lost some pieces of the puzzle of your life. You are searching, digging, desperate to find them, yet they are gone.
You had a dream, you had a plan. Yet, that dream that plan is dissolved as if it were never yours.
I am 28, soon turning to 29 (there you go, it is not a secret) and I am experiencing a sort of life crises. I don’t find my dreams. I don’t find my dreams that used to be my good friends, holding my hand every day, guiding me through the bad days, showing me the light when it was dark. I am looking for them for a year or so, but they just do not want to be found!
So for a few months I acted as nothing happened. Woke up, pretended that my friends are holding my hand and days were passing one after the each. A few month later, this fake friendship with my lost-but-so-wanted-to-find-dreams started to make me anxious. Where are you guys? Why did you leave me? Come back, I need you! I felt trapped, I felt betrayed and above all, I felt scared! What is going to happen with me without my dreams, my plans? Why should I wake up every morning if they are not around? Which way to go if either way seems to be a signless road? God, this is a shit feeling! Scary, devastating, depressing. You start to feel demotivated since there is nothing that would grab your motivation and help you to manifest your dreams, since your dreams are gone.
Yes, I think this is when they quickly diagnose you with depression…
But, I think it is false. This is not depression. Its not like you cannot smile anymore or enjoy the sounds of the birds or go under the rain and just enjoy how it drops on your face. No, this is not depression. This is something else.
What I learnt, though, is that it is more of a fear of taking responsibilities. Taking responsibility over your life, over your choices. And when you are not ready for it, you see darkness, signless roads, blockades around you.
During my discoveries, I am starting to face that dreams being hold so strongly at the age of 18 are slowly fading away, dreams that you believed to be the ONES an only are perishing with each years. So by the age of 29 you are standing there with expired dreams and plans. You were not ready for this. You were so not ready, that somewhere along the way, you forgot to set new dreams, new plans, you forgot to grow with your own life.
Until today, you had the luxury to wander around without serious consequences, you had your family as a fixed and reliable back up, all the responsibilities were shared assets. You tried you wings, but whenever you got tired of flying, you returned to your safe nest until you were ready to fly again.
I heard a lot about mid-life crises, or turning to 30 is A THING but I never really bothered with it; (nor did I believe it really exists). Well, I am not 30 yet, but I am definitely experiencing the crises here.
Wherever I look I see changes! Changes in me, changes around me. Changes in my thoughts, changes in my feelings. Changes in friendships, changes in jobs, changes in priorities.
No wonder my dreams felt it is better to run away for a while: ‘she cannot give us enough attention anyways – she is too busy with CHANGES’.
Yes, maybe, I was so desperately trying to find a fix point in this carrousel that I forgot to nourish my dreams.
I let go of them…yes, here we are again, the big transformation.
BUT! And here comes my lesson #1: letting go is sometimes the only thing you can do. Letting go of the old (let it be old dreams, old plans, old friends, old memories…) or letting of the PAST is good. Sometimes, stubbornly building the puzzle of your life in the exact way you wanted (back then, years ago) is not the puzzle you should be putting together now. Sometimes, stubbornly sticking to a dream, is not the dream you were holding anymore.
Sometimes our dreams, our plans need to escape, not to make us find them, but to make us dream new dreams, plan new plans.
BUT! And here comes my lesson #2: you need to also let go of the fear of taking responsibilities. You need to be ready taking responsibility over your life, over your choices. I think this is toughest part in the equation. To face the truth: you, only you are responsible for everything: the shit – the good – the sorrow – the happiness – the failure (if this exist) – the success.
New dreams, new goals, simply by themselves will not move your life forward. You need to be able to face that things remain unchangeably in the past, and they should stay there for a good reason. You need to be able to accept that new things come to your present and they are unchangeably alter your future. You need to be ready to change and you need to be ready for the change.
I am ready. After a pause, search, letting go and accepting: New dreams are awakening, new goals are formulating, new priorities are by the line!
My only resolution for the new year was nothing more or nothing less than “Take responsibility for your life” – and there is nothing more calming than knowing, everything is up to me!