As my days are tangibly counted until the moment of quite whisper of ‘another year has passed’; I am, – even more than usual – turning on my sentimental engines. I am not, however, so sure that it is only due to upcoming new age step on the ladder of my life, but it might be triggered by the yarning or smiling kids that wave to me as unknown object in their magical life, whose parents are the kids I waved to each day after school; or the pictures of princesses and princes, who wear that quite significant facial expression while a ring is sliding on their annulary, again, these are people we played ghost hosting on a lazy sunday afternoon and where their ring finger received no bigger attention than being one of the many.
So yes. Here I am now facing with all these BIG LIFE changes and wherever I look I see babies or rings. To tell you the truth, it scars the hell out of me.
No! Not the babies or the rings but the fact: that it is happening!
It is happening around me, which directly (or I tend to hope indirectly) happens to me, too. Right? Or? Well… I told you, this is the scary part.
Or, it should not be scary at all? Am I screwing up something again?
I know these are the best years of our lives – so, were we told. Yet, these are HUGE changes. These are not the ‘my skin got acnes’ types of changes….these are LIFE CHANGES.
It all seemed so far, so unrealistic, so futuristic once; and I think I did lost the follow-up line along the past years, because, truly, I had not realized I entered the FUTURE. I did not realized I am getting close to the adultery door with such a pace.
“Hey, lady, wake up: midlife crises is approaching!” Well, I do hope that it is not literally the midlife, yet, there is definitely some sort of crises around here.
As the day of my birth (sorry but I cannot write down the B-word) is approaching, I tend to evaluate my life. The problem here is that if I do something I do it right and vigorously. I don’t just quickly think over my XY (28) years beside my morning toast, but I take evaluations seriously.
Oh, boy! – says my significant other, every time, he catches the ‘long-face’ on me.
So, I am wearing this long-face (no, please don’t ask me how it looks, because, I have no idea) for days now and the latest dual-core processor is overheated within my brain-cells.
Here is what is at this point clear:
I achieved nothing that should be achieved according to the unwritten rules of society: I have no ring on my finger. (Hence) I have no kids. I have no ownership on nothing, except my laptop. So no flat, no car, no vespa, nada. Should I go on? I am dancing on slippery floor here, when I say: I am not even careerists women, who made till the Department Manager role at the biggest corporation dealing with magazines. Well, truth to be told: I don’t even have a job.
So, what the hell was I doing during the last 28 years?
Don’ t be so harsh on yourself – my daily mantra; offered by all the FB sites I am following. As if they would be able to feel my needs even in my thoughts now…
Me? Harsh? I don’t think so, I am just honestly factual.
My family would definitely argue with this, I guess. But, they are not here now…. Are you interested in what would they say if I would ask them about my achievements?
They would say this: slow down, you already lived the full lives of two!
Always this ‘slow down’ – the other mantra nowadays – as if slowing down would bring me a ring, a kid, a flat and a car. (it would’t, right?)
So I am torn apart between don’ t be so harsh on yourself and slow down mantras, while the only thing I feel is this unstoppable resonance in my skin, cells and atoms screaming to me: YOU are getting old, do something!
These are the crises moments.. The moments of sweaty-hands, fast heartbeats and sudden dizziness. So I quickly watch a Walt Disney movie to feel relaxed, young and careless. Very pleasant moments.
…until the movie ends.
Then not even Disney can help; I am left alone with the strict evaluation paper that is prepared with such a care as if God would ask for it to give my yearly passing grade.
Quite. Big breath. Smile.
Still, with all these ambivalent, incomprehensible resonances and the approaching 2-and-a-different-curving sign, life is just great.
- Because, I had the chance to live 29 years already.
- Because, I am still waking up every morning with all my body parts and without any significant sickness.
- Because, I have an amazing family.
- Because, I have found love and I have a person, who wakes me up with a kiss each morning.
- Because, I have a few but great friends.
- Because, I have cosy home that is filled with joy.
- Because, according to tripadviser I travelled to 178 cities in 23 countries. (sorry)
- Because, I have education (and I have papers about it)
- Because, I could dance and be part of the magical life of stage for 13 years.
- Because, I have the freedom to live to the fullest… and here is the trick and punchline: I HAVE THE FREEDOM!
So let’s rewind a little bit on the tape of my life:
I had the freedom to chose not to get married and have a baby by now. I had the freedom to chose not to have a car and a flat (cause I could have robbed a bank if I really wanted to). I had the freedom to chose to leave my former job etc. etc. etc.
We all want to blame and look for excuses. But if something I did achieved, or I am very much in the process, is to accept: I am responsible for my own life!
So I might as well just watch now an other Walt Disney movie and be joyful, young and happy until I can.
—– The end ——
Oh wait! Actually, I did not know where my inspiration angel will lead me, but as I wrote down the last sentence this tiny thought got attention:
Until now, I hated B-days, but it might change after this article: Why not turn it other way around?!
I am grateful and happy for each and every plus 1 year that I can add to my LIFE. YES! YES! YES!
Please God, give me many more plus 1 years, allowing me to be very old. I want to see my wrinkles, my eased skin, my weekend muscles. I want to see my great-grandchildren’s. I want to see them being careless young……I want to meet the old me…
Thank you for the 29 years! Lovely-damn B-day!
—– The end; for real ——