Yesterday was a special day. The most special person in my life celebrated an additional year in his life. For some reason, since our first celebrations together, we tend to give moments and experiences as our present as opposed to buy something. Nothing is bad with buying something, but somehow with us it came other way around.
One of the moments given to him was a letter. A letter from me that was born on an intimating white paper and a pen by a cup of strong coffee and automatically developing falling tears.
It was for him. From me.
But today, decided that I will share it further. Why?
– because it is not something to hide. These are feelings from humans.
Who should read it?
- all the people, who somehow tried/try to tear us apart (including family and friends);
all the people, who believe that in the 21st century’s manipulated social life ‘for us everything is so is easy, because we smile’; No! It is not but we do smile!
all the people, who ever been in love;
and for all the people, who, sometimes, wants to give up;
Don’t know where to start.
We talk so much; yet there are so many things and feelings in me that restlessly want to burst out. So many stories to share so many moments to live.
I know that sometimes I fail.
I fail to show how much I love you, I fail to appreciate what you do for me and fail to be the partner you dream of.
But I am human.
And I don’t want to be somebody that I am not. I cannot go faster than my own inner maturity allows me. I can only grow in my own pace and in my own way.
I don’t want to pretend anything. And I know, you don’t want me to do that either.
So I don’t want to apologize for my failures. They belong to my journey.
But I am ok and willing to change. Change for me, for you and for us. And I am thankful for this desire and this acknowledgment that was triggered by you. I am thankful for this (roller-coaster) journey with you.
Thank your for challenging me everyday.
Thank you for holding me a mirror everyday.
Thank you for allowing me to explore depths and heights in my own way.
You know, there are moments, when I want to give up. When I just want to pack my luggage and run back to the known, safe area. To the safety and comfort that the closeness of family can give, and what 26 years of familiar habits can ensure. But every time I think of this option I just can’t make the next move…I can’t open the luggage and I can’t leave.
I am not afraid.
No! Not anymore.
I am not afraid to restart, I am not afraid to be alone, I am not afraid of life.
I just don’t want to….to regret something forever.
And until I know I would, until then, I stay – I chose, I want, I wish.
As I said sooner, I don’t like saying forever, because we are not future tellers. But I want to be around you as long as it makes both of us happy. Until it makes both of us continue to thrive for out better selves day by day. Until we hold each other’s hand while falling asleep.
You know I actually could live without you.
Not because I don’t love you but because I am not afraid. And this is something I learnt by being with you. I learnt that we should not establish a love that is just pure attachment, that makes loosing me or you, a love that would destroy us.
So yes, I could. Everybody could, we all get use to things, just the question of time.
But I don’t want to.
I can’t imagine any other person, who could make me laugh the way you do, who could hug me so tight as you do, or whose kiss on my forehead changes the whole world in instants.
A person, who teaches and challenges me each and every day. Who annoys me to death occasionally, but whom I cherish the most. A person, whose attention is still a desire of mine.
I know, we all say that when we are with somebody. But I guess my point is: that yes, maybe there are other guys out there who could give me all these, but I don’t want them. I want all this from you. Only you.
We have gone through countless challenges from day 1. External and internal wars, dark, lightless tunnels and the lines of unanswered questions all piled up in front of us or between us. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of patience.
But we have gone through countless joy from day 1, too. Small and big moments, for longer and shorter periods, but joy was always there. And I was the happiest person.
I was the happiest person several times during our common journey. I was the happiest beside you and so many dreams were fulfilled by us that I need to find new ones soon.
So until we can fight for love together, and until we want to, until we want to hold each other’s hand ever night and until we don’t leave the house without a kiss. Until then…
…I would stick around if you don’t mind.
Until then, I want to spend all your birthdays with you; if you don’t mind.
Until then, I would remain in love with you and until then, I would remain this crazy little girl, whose life has changed in 2011 December.
Happy Birthday Birthday Boy, Happy Birthday my Other Half.
Ps. don’t forget that growing old means, God gave you the chance the collect more and more days in your life. The older you get the luckier you are! Knowing one thing: that you could have a long life, a life full of years.
Ps.2 Thank you for everything. I mean Everything!