I am facing a big decision at the moment and I needed to admit first time in my life, out loud, that I am scared like shit.
Evidently, I made big decisions in my life already. So first I did not understand my knotted stomach as an answer to the idea.
Then I sat down and looked deeper. What the hell is going on?
When I was 15 I was not scared. I took the plane and flew to Spain alone for 5 weeks.
When I was 16 I was not scared. I took the train to Wolfsegg alone for 5 weeks.
When I was 17 I was not scared. I took the train to Rome alone for 4 weeks.
When I was 17 I was not scared. I took the plane and flew to North Caroline alone for 5 weeks.
When I was 18 I was not scared. I took the plane and flew to Napoli alone for 5 weeks.
When I was 19 I was not scared I took the plane and flew to Marseille for 5 weeks.
When I was 19 I was no scared. I moved to Zürich alone.
When I was 26 I was not scared. I moved to Brussels alone.
And now I am 29 and I am scared.
So what is going on?
I realized I am scared because I got comfortable not doing something like this for too long. I am scared because I have a person who means the world to me and, as opposed to my younger ages, there are things that you just do not risk anymore. I am scared because there are some possible obstacles and who likes to get crazy about something and then not be able to do it. I am scared because I do not know what to expect. I am scared because I do not know what comes after. But mainly I am scared because I am scared to fail.
Ever since I stopped dancing, I just do not feel the desire to fail again. Nothing can compare with the energy and days I put into that section of my life. I do not regret my decision, otherwise I would not have lived all what I earned by stopping ballet, but there is nothing that made me focus on one thing ever since, nothing that made me give up certain things, nothing that would be an all in…
So I got scared. I am excited but scared. Full of what ifs and buts, but it only takes one decision and the dominos will fall….
And it is enough for one to fall to the right direction to make all the others fall also; so what if each domino stands for one amazing experience? What if one domino could change my whole life? What if this one domino is the one I was waiting for all these years?
Then I would get my dream life (or something like that I guess), right?
So why not to make the first domino fall finally? Why not to take a leap of faith? Why not to do something that scares the shit out of me?
Yeah, actually, why not?
ps. only one thing could stop me but I do not consider that…